This card was the only one
among hundreds that didn’t
make me want to vomit.
Kind of like you.
Do you ever get
that nagging sense
that we’re kidding ourselves
to think that we could
ever make it together?
Me neither.
Please pretend to appreciate
this card. If you opened it
in front of me, I’m probably
looking at you now
while you’re reading it,
waiting for some expression
of approval to register
on your face. Or if I’m not
there, you might need to
make a similar expression
next time you see me
in person. In any case, please
try to make that expression
appear genuine and heartfelt.
Sometimes, when we’re
walking down the street,
I’ll look at the windows
of the shops as we pass
just to see the reflection
of us walking together.
I’m glad
you feel comfortable
burping and farting
in my presence.
(Sort of glad.)
There might be money
inside this card.
But before you open it
you’re going to have to
read the rest of this card
and act like you care
what it says, when we all
know you’re only thinking
about how much money
there might be inside.
You’re probably going to throw
this card away.* *or recycle it
It might get put out on a shelf
in your house for a while. Or
it might even make it into
a pile of keepsakes in some
drawer or closet.But one day,
when the mood is right, you’ll
look through that pile, think of
how you felt (or didn’t feel)
when you first read this card
and how much has changed
(or hasn’t changed) since then,
and you’ll let out a heavy sigh
(or you won’t sigh, or think, or
anything) and you’ll proceed –
despite (or because of) all of
this – to throw it away.*
*or recycle it
I know you don’t like
to make a big deal
out of things like this.
So I just got you
this card.
You sure are one of a kind.
I can’t say exactly what kind,
but you sure are one of it.
