You’re probably going to throw
this card away.* *or recycle it
It might get put out on a shelf
in your house for a while. Or
it might even make it into
a pile of keepsakes in some
drawer or closet.But one day,
when the mood is right, you’ll
look through that pile, think of
how you felt (or didn’t feel)
when you first read this card
and how much has changed
(or hasn’t changed) since then,
and you’ll let out a heavy sigh
(or you won’t sigh, or think, or
anything) and you’ll proceed –
despite (or because of) all of
this – to throw it away.*
*or recycle it
Please pretend to appreciate
this card. If you opened it
in front of me, I’m probably
looking at you now
while you’re reading it,
waiting for some expression
of approval to register
on your face. Or if I’m not
there, you might need to
make a similar expression
next time you see me
in person. In any case, please
try to make that expression
appear genuine and heartfelt.
It’s nearly impossible
to find a greeting card for you.
Take that as a compliment.
There might be money
inside this card.
But before you open it
you’re going to have to
read the rest of this card
and act like you care
what it says, when we all
know you’re only thinking
about how much money
there might be inside.
You sure are one of a kind.
I can’t say exactly what kind,
but you sure are one of it.
I know you don’t like
to make a big deal
out of things like this.
So I just got you
this card.
You mean so much to me…
…that I’m willing to spend
a few whole dollars
on a greeting card.
I only bought this because
you seem to appreciate
the gesture of giving
a greeting card.
And I would rather oblige
than think of something better.
If I knew exactly what to say…
…then I sure as hell
wouldn’t be giving you
a greeting card.
Not to sound like
you’re going to die soon
or anything, but
I’m really glad
I’ve had the chance
to get to know you.
And if you are
going to die soon,
I’m really sorry.
If you were the last person on
Earth, that would mean
I’d be dead, and you’d have
a stupid greeting card
to remember me by.
