I know you don’t like
to make a big deal
out of things like this.
So I just got you
this card.
$4
I thought of so many things
to do for you
that you would’ve loved.
But I didn’t want it to look
like I was trying too hard.
$2.50
Sometimes I know
exactly what to say.
This is not one of those times.
$2.50
Not to sound like
you’re going to die soon
or anything, but
I’m really glad
I’ve had the chance
to get to know you.
And if you are
going to die soon,
I’m really sorry.
$5 (limited)
Please pretend to appreciate
this card. If you opened it
in front of me, I’m probably
looking at you now
while you’re reading it,
waiting for some expression
of approval to register
on your face. Or if I’m not
there, you might need to
make a similar expression
next time you see me
in person. In any case, please
try to make that expression
appear genuine and heartfelt.
$4
If you had something
on your face, like
a piece of food or a booger
or something,
I would tell you.
Eventually.
I might take a moment first
to enjoy how stupid you look
as you’re eating or talking
or whatever it is you’re doing,
totally oblivious
to the thing on your face.
But eventually,
I’d tell you.
$2.50
Someday
you’ll thank this disaster…
…for making you
whoever you’ve become.
$2.50
If I knew exactly what to say…
…then I sure as hell
wouldn’t be giving you
a greeting card.
$2.50
It’s nearly impossible
to find a greeting card for you.
Take that as a compliment.
$10
(out of print)
