I know you don’t like
to make a big deal
out of things like this.
So I just got you
this card.
You’re probably going to throw
this card away.* *or recycle it
It might get put out on a shelf
in your house for a while. Or
it might even make it into
a pile of keepsakes in some
drawer or closet.But one day,
when the mood is right, you’ll
look through that pile, think of
how you felt (or didn’t feel)
when you first read this card
and how much has changed
(or hasn’t changed) since then,
and you’ll let out a heavy sigh
(or you won’t sigh, or think, or
anything) and you’ll proceed –
despite (or because of) all of
this – to throw it away.*
*or recycle it
It’s nearly impossible
to find a greeting card for you.
Take that as a compliment.
You sure are one of a kind.
I can’t say exactly what kind,
but you sure are one of it.
Not to sound like
you’re going to die soon
or anything, but
I’m really glad
I’ve had the chance
to get to know you.
And if you are
going to die soon,
I’m really sorry.
There might be money
inside this card.
But before you open it
you’re going to have to
read the rest of this card
and act like you care
what it says, when we all
know you’re only thinking
about how much money
there might be inside.
I’m glad
you feel comfortable
burping and farting
in my presence.
(Sort of glad.)
Please pretend to appreciate
this card. If you opened it
in front of me, I’m probably
looking at you now
while you’re reading it,
waiting for some expression
of approval to register
on your face. Or if I’m not
there, you might need to
make a similar expression
next time you see me
in person. In any case, please
try to make that expression
appear genuine and heartfelt.
Sometimes, when we’re
walking down the street,
I’ll look at the windows
of the shops as we pass
just to see the reflection
of us walking together.
Yours is a beauty
that has to be experienced
in person to be truly
appreciated, a beauty
that radiates in action –
moving this way, or that, or just
talking, laughing, breathing –
a rare beauty that cannot be
frozen in any one moment.
I guess that’s why you look
so awful in pictures.
If you had something
on your face, like
a piece of food or a booger
or something,
I would tell you.
Eventually.
I might take a moment first
to enjoy how stupid you look
as you’re eating or talking
or whatever it is you’re doing,
totally oblivious
to the thing on your face.
But eventually,
I’d tell you.
I thought of so many things
to do for you
that you would’ve loved.
But I didn’t want it to look
like I was trying too hard.
You mean so much to me…
…that I’m willing to spend
a few whole dollars
on a greeting card.
Damn you
for making me say and do
so many things
I would never have otherwise
said or done.
Like this.
I only bought this because
you seem to appreciate
the gesture of giving
a greeting card.
And I would rather oblige
than think of something better.
Just wanted to let you know
that I was thinking about you.
Well, obviously.
(You’re probably
thinking to yourself.)
…why would I send you
this card if I wasn’t
thinking about you?…
…and what a stupid thing
to say in a card…
…and even stupider
to affect stupidity,
as if that’s funny…
Well fuck you then.
